Decolonizing Black Blended Families

Some things were not meant to work + if you are blessed to start again with another human being that shares your same values…it’s a win! I have been navigating a blended family for many years, but it always reminds me that relationships need to be decolonized. I am a product of a blended family; my kids are products of a blended family + my wife’s kids are a product of a blended family. The more people to love. The more people to build community. The more people to give children a second chance at having minimal trauma. This is always the plan; however, it takes an enormous amount of work to achieve this goal. It takes open-minded people who have healed their inner child, put their egos in check + most of all want the best for the “children.”

I have learned that one of the biggest struggles in black blended families is the need for decolonizing the relationship. As a black, queer woman who is married to a woman, yet conceived my two kids with a cis-gender man many suns ago, I am keenly aware of the historical narrative that has interfered with me always sustaining a healthy relationship with my kids father. It’s the homophobic thread that has a tendency to run through various heteronormative black relationships that reflect the same hate that colonialism taught us. It’s the resentment of one failed relationship + the success of another that often reminds black people of the families that were stolen from us via The Middle Passage. It’s the anti-blackness that seeps throughout the relationships that we often try not to re-create with one another, but regularly falls short because of religion + various constructs. Its complicated!

As I navigate my blended family, I always lead with love + the understanding that some black people are still trying to love themselves let alone love one another. I practice radical forgiveness because I understand that some things are not about me, so I have learned to compartmentalize the moments where one is self-aggrandizing + less accommodating. I have learned to continue my own self-work because I understand the more, I am comfortable in my skin, the more I show up for my children in a way that gives them the self-confidence to show up for themselves. Lastly, I leave room for grace + for everyone to find peace in their own time. Building a healthy, sustainable blended family is possible because I see it with my wife’s kids + I get glimpses of it with my children’s father. Raising kids can be challenging, but it’s even more rewarding when you have a group of adults that are dedicated to helping kids grow into the best version of themselves.