Notes on turning 44: Why not joy?

Why not love, or fun, possibly ease? How about a nap? Let’s relax and do nothing. Better yet, let’s skip a day of seriousness and be silly. I have always been quite hilarious; it’s one of the things I could do effortlessly in my life. It didn’t require anything of me. It took little to no effort, and I always got people to laugh. Then I realized that when you are known for certain things, people don’t want your truth, and they sure don’t want the weight of what it costs you to smile all the time. So, I stopped. I came to a screeching halt. I began to take like seriously, or maybe it just got severe, but whatever it was, I decided over 15 years ago to grow up.

The exciting thing about growing up is that you will get serious if you keep living it. Life has a tone that beckons you to do something different because everything else has run its course. When I got on the path to healing, it took me on a direction that allowed me to see how we lose our ways as children and can’t seem to find our way back as adults. We tend to get caught up between yesterday's sentences while dreaming about the memoir we hope to be. I was so deep in my thoughts of trauma that I crashed into a brick wall of depression, and life became real…until I began to realize that I was still growing up. I still needed to give the parts of myself grace for making it to this moment because it mattered just as much as all the others did. So, I decided to have fun. Crazy fun. Loosen up and have a ball with boundaries, of course!

This picture is from a carnival my family, and I went to. It was an impromptu night that I desperately needed. You do know raising kids while raising yourself can get sticky? Nevertheless, I chose ME. I didn’t hesitate, and most importantly, I wanted to share this moment with my kids because I believe kids need to see that parents are light and free. So, we were free—all 4 of us. My wife, daughter, son, and I were all random people who happened to be related to one another, yet we were so happy not to have to focus on anything other than ourselves. We had a blast. We screamed, rode roller coasters, danced, and, most importantly, ate tons of food that reminded me of my childhood and reminded my children of the moment that their mom became one of them for a moment in time. These days I am doing more of that, and you can catch some of my antics on my IG reels (@jsutikeandthetribe). I have decided that I don’t want to separate parts of my life but I’d rather lovingly share snippets of a woman helping people and thriving in her own life. Besides, everyone is trying to live their best life even if they haven’t realized it yet.