Motherhood: A Selfish Act

To be perfectly honest, being a mother transformed me. It exposed my agony of growing up without a father + it opened my soul to the woman my mother desired to be. In fact, it reminds me that everything isn’t as easy as it looks + sometimes raising your child looks eerily similar to your own upbringing. I imagine when the Universe bestowed children to individuals, it was a form of endearment. Somehow, I’m still learning how to parent myself hoping that my children make it to adulthood minimally unscathed. Daily I gather my mistakes + rinse them with goodness hoping to see a better reflection of myself.  Every day I speak life into my children for all the conversations that escaped me as a child. Regularly, I shower them with love for all the adoration that went towards cultivating a warm house + full fridge. Frequently, I show up with arms wide for all the closed doors + silent evenings that were normalized as security. I’ve learned that the joy of motherhood exists in giving my children what I didn’t have.

Truthfully, mothering is thankless + often deemed as unfair. It weighs the heaviest on single parents + homes where gender roles are wrapped up in ego’s that are too insecure to raise themselves so they painstakingly neglect their children. Mothering is often a conduit for depression, a joy that is tucked away in silent prayers, deferred dreams + continuous thoughts of “Am I doing it right?”  On most days, you hold yourself together, hoping that your trauma doesn’t escape disguised as a life lesson you decided to teach yourself; yet it ricocheted on the closest thing to you. It’s complicated! Motherhood is postponed joy with everything riding on your amazing childhood you try to recreate or the lack thereof. I am convinced that motherhood was created to change everyone involved.

For the women raising children alone, carry your happiness in your lips + share your struggles so that other women may find solace in your strength. For the women raising children with a life partner, carry your contentment in your hearts + allow your joy to overflow so children may see two people that truly loved each other. Mothering is a selfish act that recycles perpetual love or a courageous act that salvages the remnants of pain + recreates hope. Despite it all, loving my children has been everything I wanted + everything I needed.