Am I my sister’s keeper?

Lately, I have been thinking about how the mother wound and its role in the lives of men and women have surfaced as of late. The commitment to healing the fracture of not being loved must be foundational for women. It creates an openness and honesty that is necessary to be in community. When we lack self-love, we become a container for garbage that makes us feel like we must “outdo, out-work, out be” one another. Underneath that confusion is a sobering truth that many women would rather die than admit, most women don’t love themselves.

The perception of self-love for many women is rooted in self-hate. The lack of proper representation by the women in our lives reflects that we are unlovable, unworthy, and, most of all, not enough! Being socialized in a world that celebrates negativity often seeps into our homes through the things that we accept in our lives. We lie to ourselves by isolating ourselves, but we fear we don’t feel worthy of community. We tell ourselves that this person wants something from us, this person is out to harm us, and this person will go farther than us if we make ourselves available. Most women were born with the understanding that they were always in competition with the woman that loved herself the least…their mothers.

This picture is from The Woman King, which is by far the best movie I have seen this year. Viola Davis plays Nanisca, a brave warrior and General of the Agojie (all-female warrior unit) that protects the West African Kingdom. The predominantly all-black female cast was a beautiful depiction and history lesson on what it means to be black, female, undesirable, and unruly. This story is about devotion to learning what it means to lead and be led. While this movie is quite majestic in its complicated layers as it unpacks the narrative around female leadership, what is the “true” role of a woman, it also lovingly weaves the love of a mother and how we fiercely protect the women we love. It creates the space to discuss the complexities of what we give up by changing antiquated narratives that no longer serve us while maintaining the legacy of it all. As I reflected on this movie after seeing it 2 times (with a 3rd one in tow), I realized that I have always been my sister’s keeper, and the more I learn to belong to myself first, the more I can hold space for more women to do the same. The more women heal from their past, the more we can love one another in the future.