Looking For The Door

I have been searching diligently, quietly summoning every ancestor while chasing my purpose fully understanding that the Creator + I are in a deep covenant. I question every intention, every motivation, ensuring that my will is put in check + that my ego is buried. I die to myself daily debating my choices, scrutinizing every word that falls from my lips. Why? Because I know that I am responsible for everyone that comes across my path. I am crystal clear about many things in my life, but some things are extremely blurry; terrifyingly unclear to the point that I am often left humbled to a whisper. Often crouched in a corner with tears streaming, staring aimlessly at my plans hoping they align with the Most High.

Recently, I have been tested on what I believe + what I know to be true. Holding onto every inch of compassion I can muster up. As I watched the season finale of This Is Us, I clutched my heart, watching certain sentiments mirror reality; delicately unraveling in my living room understanding that we never really know how things truly work out in life. We just take each breath + wrap it helplessly in hope as days drag us through moments of frustrations, loss, discontentment + anger leaving us to find the door.

Lately, I have been looking for a door for others + for myself. Dedicated to not have to admit that I just can’t find it knowing that there is always a door even when you don’t see it. Sometimes its disguised as transition, other times it looks like silence laced with empathy, occasionally it resembles a hug, from time to time, it reminds you of daily prayer forced from clenched teeth + a heavy heart. So as I wait it out, methodically observing every entrance, I am clear that I don’t know where I am going + I might never know. Therefore, I trust in the Creator to reveal every detail as I have been revealed to myself; by every interaction, every test I have overcome + every word written. We find all things in God + through Her perfect timing.