Healing + Re-Mothering Myself

My mother was a complicated woman. Layered with the stench of a childhood that led her to never want kids. I am a product of that. I know it, she knows it + we have unpacked it several times over. I recall my introduction into the world way before I became Ikeranda because it is important to understand your birth story + how you even came to be. My story is hinged off my mother’s intention to never have kids. My father wanted kids, particularly a girl, so despite him leaving his intention brought me earthside. I am grateful for this narrative because it gives me a reference point + why re-mothering myself is so essential to my healing.

This picture is from Mother’s Day 2021. When I reflect on my interactions with my mother, I remember the silence I experienced as a child. The sound of doors closing; muted conversations with jovial laughs that I was not privileged to be a part of. My mom was like a container of the best fruit, too ripe to devour; yet too good to depose of. She had a life filled with overcoming, but some things she just never got over. I know. The picture right?! We are two women on most days who hardly recognize one another. I am a prayer answered + she is a mother who often forgot what she wished for.

So here we are, standing together with nothing but love + years of undoing to acknowledge. My mom looks at me with tenderness needing a do-over + I am a woman baptized in my own resolve to do things different. I love her + we drink reconciliation daily to stay in each other’s lives. Its mandatory. I am carrying the scars of a woman that wanted a different life; but settled for what she could see. I am woman that recognized I needed a different life + worked just as hard to obtain it. This picture reflects two women who have been wounded by all the experiences of the women before us. We understand the cost of us standing here in this moment + we are grateful that we both are here to see it…together.