This Is Parenting

Imagine birthing something only to realize you had to let it go. You couldn’t possess it, + you only were allowed to facilitate their growth based on their lived experience. This is parenting. It is the mirror that most of us mistake for our reflection when it really is a glimpse of our unresolved pain. It is a blessing to see the flowers bloom that you plant, but no one ever tells you the times your heart will shatter during certain seasons. No one explains the growth you will endure by raising a part of yourself. No one discusses the guilt you carry from wanting to do everything right while thinking, “I’m failing miserably.” Maybe it’s just me.

This picture is of my two kids that are now in middle school. If someone were to ask me, “has it been hard?” I would probably break out in tears. I would look off into space + think of all the things that even I realize I could have done different. Then I would muster up a whisper + exclaim that sometimes I still yell because trauma runs deep + my unlearning moves slower on days I need it the most. I would acknowledge that I parent my kids less due to my mom over parenting me. I would declare that motherhood is a construct that feels personal on most days when I want to just be a mother rather than a black mother. It’s complicated! I would say that I keep my kids in counseling to have less collateral damage.  Its my personal cheat code. I would tell the person that as much as I am learning about parenting, I still have so much to learn.

 Today I am smiling because on most days, I can trust that we are making it virtually unscathed. Then there are moments when I overthink that they have lived experiences of divorce, blended families + most of all the residual effects of our unresolved trauma. If I had to do it all again ….honestly….its too soon to answer. I am still in the trenches + not out the woods yet. I am still triggered by all the various relationships we have to balance while raising ourselves. Yes, I am still raising myself. It’s the thing that used to cause me much shame until I realized that I too missed many things as a child. What I can emphatically say is, I love my kids + all things considering they are the best version I could ever hope to be. My heart smiles at the human beings they are becoming + all the wonderful things they will do to enrich the lives of others. Until then, I am just doing my best to pave the way for them to do all the things they desire to do without leaving a trace that I was ever there.