The Good Stuff...

Fathers hold a substantial about of weight in a child’s life + I carry the residue of this sentiment. My existence came on the hills of my mother’s + father’s relationship which I learned later in life was destined to never stand a chance. My father wanted kids + my mother did not so I was conceived in a womb that was vacant from the beginning. I understand that children can sense everything just from the intention of the space they reside. I understood that my existence frustrated my mother not because she did not want kids, but she wanted so desperately for her marriage to work. So when my father could not remain on the pedestal society put him on, he quickly fell from grace + so went my self-worth along with the marriage.

This picture is from last weekend, when my dad made a promise to make my yard look just like his. Spiffy is what he calls it.  He always had a knack for making things look pretty. He recently told me, that when he takes care of his flowers that he is communing with God + giving thanks for all that he has in his life. My father + I have been estranged for many years; yet at this time in both of our lives we have the capacity to be tender with one another. I understand his addiction + I am grateful that he is clean. He acknowledges my pain + is grateful that I am still open to building a relationship. We speak of the past as a way of reconciling + we keep promises as a way of healing. Both are necessary.

This moment is the beginning of so many other moments. I am grateful + I understand that my healing journey has prepared me for this season. Today I understand that we must release our parents so that we all can grow. We cannot hold onto the past because it does not allow for grace. It does not allow for forgiveness + it does not allow for both people to get a second chance at seeing themselves in a different light. I believe that we learn more about ourselves by the things we overcome + the relationships we heal. I believe that life teaches us that we are all here on separate missions for one reason + that is to know the true meaning of love. Love is what’s left once you release all the trauma; it resides at the core of every human being + that is what I am healing for…. The good stuff…the love.