Leading With Love and Compassion
This blog is for the individual that desires more of themselves + the people in their lives.
I'm a bit late in penning this post, but honesty is always the best policy, right? Mother's Day took on a different hue for me this year. While my children and wife never fail to shower me with love, it's also a time for reflection, a dive into the complexities of my role as a mother, influenced not only by my personal experiences but also by the intricate threads of matrilineal lineage.
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Parenthood is a transformative journey filled with love, laughter, and countless memorable moments. However, it's no secret that raising teenagers presents a unique set of challenges that can significantly strain our relationships with our children and our marriages. In this blog post, we dive into the thought-provoking insights that explore the intricate dynamics of parenting middle and high schoolers while balancing the needs of a marriage and self-care. Join me as I unveil parents’ unspoken struggles and uncover practical strategies for navigating this critical phase of family life.
Finding Balance Amidst Responsibilities: Raising teenagers often means juggling academic demands, extracurricular activities, and social pressures. It's no wonder that many couples find it challenging to strike a balance between nurturing their children and maintaining a healthy marriage. My wife and I are strict about keeping our regular date nights.
Unlocking Effective Communication: Communication is the key to any successful relationship, but it becomes increasingly complex when raising teenagers. Hormonal changes, emotional sensitivity, and evolving identities can strain the lines of communication between parents and their teens, consequently impacting the marriage. My wife and I communicate often and daily; it helps to find humor and stay connected in a busy world (also, we are not glued to our phones).
Nurturing Identity and Connection: Couples need to navigate their personal growth while nurturing the marriage as our children grow into independent individuals. However, the demands of parenting often leave little room for self-discovery and shared interests. Therefore, my wife and I support one another as we continue evolving into the women we want to be.
The Power of Self-Care: Parenting is an all-encompassing journey that can leave us emotionally and physically drained. Neglecting self-care affects our well-being and adds to the stress experienced in our marriages. Therefore, my wife and I always ensure that we are active such as taking yoga and walking in our community (being active is essential to growth).
Seeking Support and Professional Guidance: Recognizing when to seek external support is a sign of strength and a valuable resource for couples navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Whether through counseling, joining parenting groups, or seeking advice from trusted mentors or friends, reaching out for guidance and how it can positively impact marriages and families. My wife and I swear by counseling (I firmly believe that as much as you help others, you must seek help as well).
Raising middle and high schoolers while nurturing ourselves and our marriages is undeniably challenging. However, we can actively work towards creating a harmonious and fulfilling family dynamic by acknowledging and addressing the unspoken struggles.
I did not grow up with my parents staying together. It was one of the things that I missed the most. Not them specifically being together, but the idea of a love so expansive that it survives. I would have settled for a divorce coupled with a reconciliation that echoes “We did it.” It never happened + I never got to see two people making it, in + out of love. I missed that. It was not like I was a child that whispered, “God please keep my parents together.” I often prayed the opposite + hoped that they find peace individually. However, as I got older, I begin to see that relationships are this complex narrative that everyone tries to figure out. Some people never figure it out because they in no way make it to the part that ends in completion. It just stops. Abruptly sometimes, but all at once. Sometimes it ends so rapidly, everything comes undone + nothing can be salvaged. I was hoping that my parents could reclaim a few things left from the wreckage. But they never survived.
Read MoreI am convinced that my love for myself has healed my mother. It is her permission to bloom + relax even though we have years of pain to apologize for. I listen to my mother’s pain + it tells a story of what I might come across on my journey. So I pack light! Never wanting to carry more than I need. I embrace the lessons, admit when things hurt still + listen with my heart. I understand that even when we vent there is still more pain that needs to be removed. So I am reminded to be gentle with myself + her because truthfully, we are one in the same.
Read MoreParenting is hard for reasons that you can’t begin to write in one post. Its intricate, overwhelming, amazing, frightening, stressful, unbelievably joyous; yet every day I sit before the Creator + wonder “Hey God you sure I’m the right one for this gig?” I look at my son + intentionally teach him how to unravel himself from all the constructs the world tries to enforce upon him. Affirming him is my daily prayer, my first cup of coffee before I enter my day. It’s complicated!
Read MoreEach day I raise my son, I am reminded that I still need to be mothered from a space of compassion from not seeing many decent men in my life. As I look at my son, I release him from my clutches fully understanding that so many black mothers made their sons their husbands + fathers trying to reclaim the “promise”. It’s complicated! I hug him often reminding him of his greatness rather than subjugating him to my hopes + dreams like the proverbial black mother. .
Read MoreRaising you + your brother has sometimes all at once been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It is still difficult, but I love it + sometimes all at once I cry because I love you for being so amazingly resilient. The things you give up as a parent are endless, from sleep, to just getting up + going, to hanging out when you want, to being able to have certain things to yourself + yet sometimes all at once you surrender your will + ego for the greater good. I fear that I have failed you, especially before I found myself because operating from my inner child was rough. I was petty, afraid, insecure at the ways that you loved me + I couldn’t quite love myself (not yet anyway) + then all at once you grew me up. I began to love you in ways that my mother couldn’t often being triggered by the ways that I still needed what I was giving you. It’s complicated! I tell you that sentiment often, because it is extremely complicated as I wonder will I have what it takes to give you the wings you need to soar + sometimes all at once you soar a little higher.
Read MoreWhen I reflect on my years as a parent, I often wonder how am I doing it. I am astonished at how I am able to give my children the very things I missed as a child. I am overwhelmed at how I speak to them + acknowledge their every effort. I am surprised at how I am intentional about exposing them in an effort to spark conversations that will give them the space to be critical thinkers. I often remind my children that I would be remiss if I didn’t confess that I am far from Mary Poppins + I am not even reminiscent of a Claire Huxtable; yet somehow I manage to give them what I never received.
Read MoreMy mother, Mavis A. Carter (born McRae) is the oldest girl of 12 siblings. She was born in the 1940’s just a few years removed from slavery. The sound of that truth still haunts me; yet allows me immense understanding of who my mother was destined to be. I am a firm believer that every child should fully understand the weight of who your parents are. Alcarez, as she is affectionately called is absolutely forthright, exceptionally amusing, tremendously magnanimous, and relatively convoluted. However, I was blessed with the privilege of having her as a mother. I don’t think I always believed that it was a privilege, but wisdom grows as your experience of the world is elevated.
Read MoreIf you want to know what matters most to me…just spend 10 minutes with me and you quickly realize that I love my kids, my phone hardly rings (except for my friends and my wife), and I care about people. If you want to see me get extremely serious…play when it comes to education, mistreat anyone; especially someone I love and all bets are off! However, if you want to see my cry, become grievously inaudible, act sanguine in the face of fear…catch me parenting my kids.
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